As each day dies, are we living on to the next or passing on in the twilight? Rest easy, Jacob, Lisa, Braedon, Medard, Brandin, and other people I knew of who passed on in the twilight before their time. <3> Are we alive, or just breathing? Don't close your eyes, seek the images. Living goes by fast, catch your breath and it will pass you by. And it won't last, to sulk with the memories you hold.

I’m meeting up with her today…to have her meet another man

Yes she wants another man; even though she loves me as well, she acknowledges that she can’t have both and chooses him over me.

Now, as much as I feel like the most friend-zoned man and still feel like the most rejected person, I’m not gonna be immature about it. All I want is for her to be happy. Alex has made me happy enough and helped me out through my rough Summer, and I feel I need to help return the favor in giving her the man she deserves. I don’t ever wish to be that snarky ex-boyfriend or competitor because I’ve never been in a situation where I wasn’t chosen over someone else due to something being my own fault. If I sound like I wanna take a woman from her current or sought after man, it’s gonna make her feel bad. I don’t need to make others feel bad, that is not my thing. I want to improve others’ feelings and lives to an extent.

With that said, I don’t know if I want to date anymore. Plain and simple. It might even be years before I partake in loving someone again. Love escaped me as my degree was beginning its working progress. I’m willing to put more effort into college than I ever did in high school. Make me summa or magna cum laude. That’s how serious I want to be. By the end of this overhaul, I’ll get an internship and a job that starts at $50,000/yr and work my way up to a six-figure salary maybe five years later. I may come off as greedy, but it’s for doing something I thoroughly enjoy. It’s the greatest gift I can ask for. I feel love would be a distraction of sorts, but I could be wrong, too. Maybe a woman will come my way and support me. For now, though, I am not pleasing anybody but myself. The CIS degree will be mine come May 2018, and CSU-Pueblo will be long cherished.

Had I gotten one point higher on my AP language test junior year and AP Literature test senior year, I would not have to take English in college.

So, Eng 101 is gonna be boring as shit

Oh well, easy A I guess

I really have to approach my beloved and tell her I want to be all hers.

I know we both want to do it.

In the next week or two, it may become official. I just need to see the final stages of progress that could tell me we can be in a true relationship and not, as Prince famously described in Purple Rain, a “one-weekend lover.”

It&#8217;s legitimately sad to have to leave my good friend Josh Neuhart. Twas a great day. We&#8217;ll see each other again perhaps in December, but now is his time to head off to the University of Denver and for me to go to Colorado State University-Pueblo. Adulthood.
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It’s legitimately sad to have to leave my good friend Josh Neuhart. Twas a great day. We’ll see each other again perhaps in December, but now is his time to head off to the University of Denver and for me to go to Colorado State University-Pueblo. Adulthood.

This Summer has been anything but easy; it’s been life-changing

In spite of my happy graduation on May 31st, I was still wrapped around fear of being estranged. The fear that nothing will work, and the loneliness that would result. In spite of my family reunion being great, I was haunted by the dark truths of some of my family members’ pasts, and thus I appreciated even more of how far they’ve come. I’ve done great things in the summer (build a computer completely out of scratch, donated to Medecines Sans Frontieres, started streaming, etc.) that I’ve been wanting to do forever, but the confusion, sadness, and angst I felt having broken up with my girlfriend would linger on me through the Summer.

It really, really hurt me; with feelings akin to rejection and unjust as she moved on with a different man, showing signs of moving on and being happy far more and ahead of me.

However, people move on, wish one another well, and become friends. What I feared more than that was an all-encompassing change. I’ve realized my past fuck-ups and mistakes have been the product of boyhood. I thought I was a true man, far mature for the ages of fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, but that was not always the case. I also had not learned enough of anything to be an adult. It’s saddening to see old friends of mine in Chisago turn into adults at only thirteen years old following the deaths of their father, or to have them live and care for a near-dying parent. That is a true adult; one robbed of their naiveté and innocent beliefs about the world. One who realizes the corrupt utter-bullshit. One who watches Death speak to their parents after much failed resistance. I lived a long life feeling legal adulthood equated to actual adulthood. But who could blame me? I had a good childhood and almost never once was exposed to those hardships in my first twelve years.

But I realize now that the most adult-thing you can experience is loss. In the span of 1.5 years, four TJ kids died. I saw my friends fall apart as harsh schoolwork and struggles with poverty sent them elsewhere. I lost my Aunt, I lost my girlfriend, and Thursday I will be losing the best friends I’ve ever had to an extent. I will visit Denver when I feel I should, and certainly will visit them, but in the long run we are all preparing for our lives. TJ is a fading memory from here on out that none of us want to really cherish, even though it was a much, much better school than HPSH. And, maybe in a few years, we’ll be so different from each other that we no longer are friends. I’ve had dealt with loss on a seemingly-grand scale before, such as JC and LG, and moving away from my beloved home state of Minnesota, but I took change for granted too much. Too often. Until now, I’ve completely underestimated the fact that I’m in the beginning of the end: Adulthood - the last stage of life before death. I’m at a point where life matters most and I can’t be holding on to anybody.

Adulthood is dark, but what matters most to me are the accomplishments. I was the first in my family to graduate and move on to college. A little shy from graduating with honors, I had demonstrated strength and an abundance of knowledge to my family. And my family has done good for me and supports me on whatever I do. Graduation was a sentimental event not because I was gonna miss high school, but because I accomplished what took much of my extended family a bit of a toll to accomplish. And here I am now, nine days from moving to Pueblo for college. I feel I have a lot to show for myself, and the CIS degree is a goddamn pot of gold within my four-year reach.

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